Failure - good or bad? For many, the word failure has a very negative connotation. Indeed, as someone who seemingly breezed through school with a handful of excellent grades followed by university with a top degree, failure seems to have eluded me. Even in more recent years achieving a Postgraduate Diploma followed shortly by a Masters, failure in Academia certainly has been, thankfully, a distant threat.
So where have I failed, or indeed not achieved as I had hoped? Well at 18 I thought that by 30 I would be married and settled down with kids. However after a string of short- and one very long - term disastrous relationships, this has not occurred. Am I upset/worried/concerned/horrified at this? Selfishly yes, a little....
In my career I might not have progressed as I had hoped. My friends and family have always seen me as driven, determined and striving to better myself. Why then, am I not aspiring to the ranks of SLT?
In education the recent trend has been to promote growth mindsets within the children we teach. "I cannot do it YET" is the phrase we want to hear our charges mutter, instead of trying something once then jacking it in for something more easily achieved to acquired the instant gratification the youth of today seem to always want. Yet as worthy as Carol Dweck's philosophy is in nurturing resilience, and it is wholeheartedly one I subscribe to in learning new 'things', there comes a time when people have to learn that failure is inevitable in some disciplines. Not everyone can be good at everything. Take one of the sports I teach for example - athletics - and look at the different skills, body shapes, heights and weights required to succeed in different disciplines. In life we all have things we find easy and we all have things we find hard and may have to admit defeat in.
So why break up my string of positive 40 before 40 posts with some thoughts on failure? Well, my single status and lack of career ambition aside, I have done something today which I have not done for a long time. I failed. After 3 days of sea kayaking I had to admit it was not for me. I could kind of deal with the pain my back was causing, or the queasy feeling in my stomach as the boat overcame another 2m high wave but what really got to me was the fact that I was constantly at the back, always drifting behind. My arm strength was no match for the boys, nor the rough seas and I realised I was not enjoying it. Me: an adventurous soul, a PE teacher, always up for a challenge. I had meet my match.
For the past 3 years I've struggled in my personal life with a number of issues, one of which has been anxiety which has brought about panic attacks in various situations, not always anticipated either! Today, I recognised those feelings, feelings which 18 months ago would have sent me cowering inside - afraid to admit weaknesses, afraid of the black dog chasing me down once more and afraid of how my inability to do something made me look to others. But today was different. Yes I cried. A little. Yes I felt stupid for enlisting the help of the support boat but most of all I didn't feel ashamed to say "I can't do it".
In the past there would big things, big and small, that I would beat myself up about if I went anywhere near failure of a goal or task. I am actually smiling as I type at the times I have gotten angry with my lack of willpower for sneaking a sly smoke at a party or for having a walking break during a half marathon! What I've come to realise, and as today illustrates, it doesn't matter!
The support I've had from various people and the reading and practices I've done on things such as mindfulness have helped me immensely to get to where I am today. 18 months ago, or even before then, I would have soldiered on, in pain, tearful and hating every moment only to have a massive meltdown at the end of the day. Instead I got a lift in the boat and through the training I have done, managed to tell my brain and myself that it is OK to fail and when you've paid a small fortune for a holiday you are meant to enjoy it. We only have one life and if you don't enjoy something, change it.
Although a very small thing and I know people will scoff at its insignificance, today taught me a lot. Whilst in my career I might never want to scale the heights of SLT, nor may I ever have children, it is OK to admit your faults and fail. So long as you give things a good shot! Precisely the message I put across to the kids I teach everyday. It has just taken me till now to realise that self - compassion is needed here, towards myself, too.
No comments:
Post a Comment